As you could probably tell from the tone of my list of favorite holiday movies, I'm not a fan of most films that are festively themed. I feel like most of them are cheesy, monotonous, over done, generic, unoriginal, and mentally insulting. It's like Hollywood knows we'll shell out money to see anything revolving around this time of year no matter how bad it is.
There are exceptions, but for me, they are few and far between. So I have weeded through the worst of the worst to compile a list of what I personally feel are the 7 most detestable. The ones that make me feel like I've taken a shot in the pumpkin pecan pie hole from a giant yule log right after getting the mistletoe treatment from Ebenezer Scrooge and drinking some Rudolph poo-flavored egg nog. And I hate egg nog.
SANTA CLAUS: THE MOVIE
Ok, let's be honest; at 8 years old, is there a person in the world that you think is more awesome than Santa Claus? So, as an 8 year old, when I hear that there is going to be a movie about the greatest person on the planet, I am pumped! And I distinctly remember, as soon as it was over, thinking "That was the most boring thing I've ever seen in my life. And why was there so much McDonald's in it?" When you're 8, and you notice an obscene amount of product placement, it's ridiculous. And it is still, to this day, the biggest product-placement deal of all time for a movie. Aside from the fact that it was a 2 hour commercial, the story was lame. An evil toy tycoon takes advantage of a misguided elf to industrialize toy production at the North Pole. Yeah, it was as bad as it sounds.
HOME ALONE 2: LOST IN NEW YORK
You might recall that Home Alone was on my list of favorite holiday movies. So why is Home Alone 2 a stinker? For one thing, sequels are rarely as good as the originals anyway. And this one was no exception. For another thing, if you get caught up in the rush of getting to the airport with 15 people and forget someone once, then it's humorously neglectful. If you lose him again under any circumstances for any reason, it's criminally negligent and we are all wanting to call Child Protective Services and get Kevin the heck out of there. To me, a classic example of why you should leave a good thing alone.
THE GRINCH
Please, somebody, anybody, tell me why in the world animated classics keep getting made into live-action movies. Have any of them ever been anything more than massively disappointing? Garfield even got Bill Murray to be the voice of the fat feline, and it was still awful. The Grinch keeps this tradition alive. The problem I have with it is that it takes what I love about the story of the Grinch (Christmas is more than "stuff"; it's about heart) and doesn't practice it in production. EVERYTHING is over done, even if it wasn't necessary. It was almost like they wanted to see how much money they could spend on making the movie, and gave Jim Carrey the green light to be as over-the-top as he wanted, and it just all feels forced. Plus, Max the dog sucked...
SANTA WITH MUSCLES
This movie saved Jingle All the Way from making this list. They were released at exactly the same time in 1996, so I can't help but compare the two. And Santa With Muscles is by far the worst. Which is no easy task. The reason I even saw it in the first place is because I was an incredibly hopeless pro-wrestling geek in the 90's so, anything that involved one of it's icons, I was going to give a shot. So here's the plot: Hulk Hogan plays a fugitive from justice who disguises himself in a Santa costume. After a blow to the head that knocks him silly, he regains consciousness only to believe that he is the jolly old elf himself. So he spends the rest of the movie doing good deeds and making up for his former lifestyle. I don't think I need to say anything else at this point.
PRANCER
There are three movies that I have ever walked out on before it was over: First Knight, In and Out, and this little gem. I was 12, so I'm not even sure what in the world was going through my mind when I decided I wanted to see a movie about one of Santa's steeds being nursed back to health by a little girl, but it didn't take the full duration of it for me to regret it. I stood up, walked out mid-film, and, in the middle of December, walked home. The film may not be as bad as I remember it, and honestly I can't remember much about it, but from the 12-year-old critic inside of me, it's the worst holiday movie I've ever not finished.
CHRISTMAS WITH THE KRANKS
Has anybody in the history of film benifited more from the big budget, star-studded, campy, generic comedies than Tim Allen? You've got Wild Hogs, you've got For Richer or Poorer, you've got Jungle 2 Jungle, and you've got this holiday stinker. Why, oh why did he feel like he needed to branch away from The Santa Clause franchise? I honestly don't remember even smiling one time during the whole thing. I mean, is it just me, or are Botox jokes in a Christmas movie as out of place as Samuel L. Jackson preaching at a Baptist church. The circumstances surrounding the film's premise just came off kind of stupid and a little erratic. It's basically about a couple who are trying to run from and avoid Christmas. Someone should have told Tim to do the same thing from this script.
IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE
I am already preparing for the backlash I'm going to get from putting this on the list, but I have to be true to myself and the readers, and I hate this movie. It's a Christmas movie about suicide. A Christmas movie..........about suicide. Aren't the holidays tough enough for some people? Now I know it has a happy ending, and I know that there is a touching, heart warming message. But it's a Christmas movie. About. Suicide. And I know it was the 40's, but there is enough cheese in this movie to supply Kirchoff's deli for a year.
I Love Lucy and The Honeymooners are the only thing from around this time period that I can compare it to, but neither one of them are this blatantly corny. And I don't like corny if it's unintentional. Also, is it just me, or is it a complete, unabashed rip off of Dickens' A Christmas Carol to have a "higher being" show you past, present, and future around Christmas time? "Every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings." Well, every time this movie is on, Allen gets an impulse to set his TV on fire.
So there they are. My 7 most despised films for the holidays. Hopefully your favorite is not on the list, but if it is, let me have it. I probably deserve it. And please feel free to add to the list in the comments. Or just let me know what you think. I limited my list to movies that had theatrical releases, but feel free to branch out to the made-for-TV awfulness. I'd love to hear about some of those too.
Oh, and MERRY CHRISTMAS from the whole WSF gang. We love ya!